stop, go, pause...

it is strange... my works... such a predicament...
on one hand... i know what i like and what works for me... what my strengths are (i miss sculpture so much) and what my weaknesses are (more like the unaccustomed)...
on the other... i know that i have to try new things... new styles... new mediums... new whatever... thing is... when i do... it turns out like C-R-A-P! and i get all down by it... not that i don't try really hard... i do... but i can never seem to get the level of consistency of standard that i, maybe harshly, subject myself to... i will try so hard to rescue the work so that i will not hate it... and before i know it... it's overkill... in all the bad sense of it... and i won't like the spirit of the work for trying too hard and it becomes pretentious... simply put... it's not me...
it is so hard to stay true to my motions when the burden of having to conform to guidelines and the constraint of time... and the fact that i have no personal working space deviod of distractions does not help at all... it sad i tell you... the state of my works now... i see them and i sigh... knowing that i can do mush better... sad to see them in an unfinished state by my standards... last truly finished work that i can say in all honesty was my 'a' level project which i turn to every now and then to tell myself that i can do it... i know it is never good to rest on past laurels and i should be moving on and breaking new grounds but i cannot help but reminisce... it was a good time then... no real datelines... i was very free to explore what i wanted to and at my own time... but i had the satisfaction of seeing the works being truly finished... and letting it rest...
now... my works are left hanging... wish it didn't have to be this way... wish i just be doing my own thing... how utopian... but how i wish it was a reality...