4:50

i can't sleep and i know that i am supposed to be doing work. will start in due time. this laziness is really getting to me. was trying to get some sleep when ray sms-ed asking if i had read the e-mail from one of my letcurers. thought it was something really important. net just had to act up. ended up calling him. nothing which involves plate tectonics. anyways... got around to helping my father set up his 'new'(term being used realtively here) fishtank. ok lah. needs some work. shall see how it goes. will put in the extra hand when called upon or when it seems that he needs the extra hand. can't leave him doing everything. don't like to see that happening either. done with that, went snooping around the net. usual things. i don't really get myself into the intricacies of what is available. of which brings me to this point where i am questioning myself as to why i seem to be of no opinion as of late. this is me trying to justify myself.

if you look around, my entries have been very limited. i don't really make an effort to write anymore these days. i try to put one entry a month just to keep a record of how long this blog have been up. i take pictures every now and then but i don't do anything with them. they are somewhere in my computer. sometimes i view them and subsequently, sometime, i do something with them and put them up here to share with whomever kindred soul that comes by this blog. not many i reckon. not very interesting yes. no tag board wars to keep people coming back for more. i am at a point where i shun controversies of any sort i guess. i like to keep my life and thoughts grounded. yes, i have this 'need-to-know' tendency sometimes but the compulsion to do so has somwhat whittled to a trickle. i think i am getting very boring. no wait. i know i am getting boring. i know i have this imagery of a a 'motor/laser-mouth, say first think later, hyperactive, run around and irritate people and try to bring them down with a concoction of really confusing words just to emphasize my prowess of the vocabulary, justfied or otherwise, cynical, sarcastic, caustic, rude, obnoxious, vain and... the list does seem to go on doesn't it? i think you get my drift. ok, so i am still cynical and vain. but seriously, i am a shadow of what i used to be. even then, i think even the shadow is rather disgraceful. in a way somehow, i am slipping away into realms which i would have never imagined myself to be. i still drink coke everyday though and my molars are in a bad shape. and i still digress but not withstanding all that, i think i am getting old. oh goodness. strangly enough... i am sitting quite well with it. i have my 'laugh-out-loud, hahaha' moments but i find it hard to feel really obtuse about anything these days. i have my ideas but i don't feel inclined to share them much less force them onto anybody. i have moments of silence of which i seek solace in this void which for an extended period of time i have been trying to fill it with something worthwhile. i don't regret my youth. i reminisce. i smile and i move on. sometimes i worry about my short-comings but a new dawn will usually herald the end of my anxieties. and i worry about how i am going to execute my next project. i like school but i am very aware that i am having to make a conscious effort to keep on going. sometimes i feel like i need to be someplace else. the vast expanses of the gobi desert is very alluring. no means of getting there maybe. sometimes i wish i can walk there without grumbling about the heat and the fact that i need to get my hair done a certain way.

that aside, here is what i actually even bothered to click on certain parts of the screen to get to this create post window:
an old friend made some commentary with regards to racism against malays. i tell myself this: i am a cynic too but i wouldn't have gone through such lengths to do what he has done. i applaud his persistence though. i have let it go some time back. sorry dude...
seriously i don't care. racism against malays. hell... we malays are have our bouts of racism against others too. none of that holier-than-thou *thing* (in place of a lesser word) here. one thing malays are is that we are a lot who are envious of others. we cannot be truly happy for our neighbour. explains why we get new curtains every now and then. such misplaced energy if channeled in constructive mannerisms can lead to very, very, dangerous things in views of certain people 'up there'. i know i probably need more justification with regards to malays and curtains but hey... why do you think the staff at curtain shops, regardless of race (language or religion... hahaha) can speak malay no matter how broken it is. ok maybe it is because malay is very easy to learn hence the non-existence of any 'bahasa melayu cool' campaigns. heaven forbid a 'bahasa melayu gerek' campaign. i am not saying all this as if it is a bad thing. its just a casual observation. people should be allowed their whims. racial groups included here.

the other thing i would like to just say something about is that national service in singapore does not exclsively include the army. alot of other people do other things than take a ferry to tekong. i can find the merits of serving the army but it does not make anyone any lesser to serve elsewhere. i might make remarks about the civil defence every now and then but let it be said here that i do truly respect the contributions and services rendered by the men and women of the singapore civil defence. very honourable indeed. very much like the nursing profession. this is a shout out to all you nurses out there. especially male nurses. salutations all around. i think we should have a 'nurses day' where we show appreciation to all nurses everywhere if we don't already have such a day. the one thing though, back to the NS thing, is that people come different with regards to where they have been. each with his own merits. but please lah, a war is not only with regards to whether a singapore malay (muslim?) will shot a malaysian malay (muslim too? malay is a race after all...) when it is required of him/her to do so. this predicament is getting old. next please. what if, you were to change the word 'malay' to some other race? why not ask such questions? are other races not subjected to affinities with their own races too? i think that as a defensive (and i use the term liberally) force, the idea is the collective. the judgement whose-ever it is, should be sound, the leader should be worthy and capable (and in that order) and the justification... well... the justification... hmmm... justified... for lack of a better word. i really need to look into the fighting for ones country is one of the most exalted forms of jihad thing. i think the term jihad is very overused indeed yes? i think sometimes we need to forget that some world leader actually said it and hence it existed. i think that it should just be used within a certain context and not be brandished like some icon meant to be exploited. conspiracies not withstanding. i would just like to mention that jihad encompasses alot more things than just going into war with really cool face-paint. there are many other forms of jihad and in my personal opinion, i think the most under-rated form of jihad is when a woman, a mother, gives birth to a child (children if they are multiple births). for that, we cannot ever repay the debt and gratitude we owe our mothers. obviously, this issue should be placed in the right context but that is for you to delve upon because i think that i have written too much for now and i need to get on to having my sahur. yes. i do fast.

righty, before i wrap this up... lets just remind ourselves that we really be too anal about this racism thingy and that by being anal about it, we are just perpetrating someone else to be anal about it too. lets just enjoy the company of other races in this multi-racial country we live in (at least we have different races if comapred to maybe certain other parts of the world where there is just on race) and lets just bask in the fact that no matter what race you are, you are inevitably caught up the 'rat-race'. no? you lie...

much laughter with a healty dose of salt honey... and you are on your way...