supernova

i don't know if this will help and i am formulating it as i go along... first up is the fact that school is absolutely and utterly depressing... dead will be another word to describe it... it feels sterile... empty... i see people around but there is no one familiar... guess that is what happens when most of your batch have gone off and what is left are the few doing their BA... even then... most are off doing their work somewhere else... at home most likely... it is just saddening to see this happening... from what i remember as a... well... happier bunch when we first came in as foundation students almost 4 years ago... to the deserted corner that is level 5 block h... it really doesn't help that i don't seem to have anyone to see this through with me in my course... there are 8 others but it is not the same... i am sorry sam i couldn't help you this time... on hindsight, perhaps i should have so that you will be here working alongside... i am alone in the studio most of the time... then again... it is perhaps my fault as well considering that i almost only come after 2pm... there is no one to talk to.... no one to share a joke with... no one to whine to or complain about how work is killing me... and then get back to work... i hear the fashion and jewellery students talking next door and i envy them... and it makes me sad thinking that i am there alone... and i bury myself with work hoping that i don't think about it... but when i stop, it just dawns upon me once more... it doesn't really help that my level 1 and level 2 studios are at another floor and unlike the old campus where my level 3 were just next door and we would go around every now and then checking on each other... then again... i don't really know my juniors... i meet kris every now and then but he's busy with his work and i don't want to impose... i miss having ray around... i miss kev and kkl... eugene is around but i have no idea where she is... and that's it... that basically sums up friends i have in school... my work is getting along ok i guess... i don't have proper technical drawings... but i have scale drawings that serve me as templates and i guess that is just as important... i am thinking of calling up PNS office and asking if i can defer my reservist next week but a part of me says just go and get it over and done with because i don't think i want to go through 3 days with another unit... perhaps there i can actually talk to people... i have to finish the main parts of my model this week and hopefully all the parts can be done by the end of today... i have to... i want to finish this... i have never quit and i don't want to to start... then again... there is a part of me that is asking what next.... and that freaks me out on levels not many know... yeah... i look calm and collected outside... but seriously... the uncertainty is really getting to me... another part... the optimistic part i would say... just cannot wait for all this to end so that i can bury my head in my hands and say, "it is done... it is done...", where then i will take a deep breath... and i will go off... sad again to see all of it end... well... that's the sentimental me there... i had a dream the other night... i was sailing away on an old boat from a jetty in a village setting... i said goodbye to my father... i was very sad... i knew i was going away to study... after saying goodbye to my father... i went on the boat... and i was scolded by my sister for being sad... i don't know what it means... but perhaps it kind of sums up an unconscious state of mind which i have been going through lately... well.... i think i have rambled too much... it has really been a while since i wrote so much i think... i think i need to try and sleep... i intend to actually be in school in the morning later and see if there is anyone around... i am not really that tired and maybe perhaps i will do work but somehow my mind is very much elsewhere... where... i don't really know...

another...

~ best wishes ~

all there is...

sometimes... i like to try again...