uuuhhh...

something... something... something... something... something... ok... right... videos... been uploading some videos from a hi8 tape... (eyes go wide here...) somehow... but sheer coincidence, there is a video cam which records on hi8 in my house... yes... so... of all the luck of all people... it was possible to upload it... what was the video about? well... SR days... yes... SR days... and in particular, my days with MCS in SR... MCS? me? yes... MCS... i did take higher malay in secondary school ok! i always say that my malay 'karat'... actually... i don't think that it is all that bad... i think pitrah made it look bad due to her old style of assessing it... what can i say? there was a point of time that a particular someone said that my english was horrible too... but hey hey hey... screw him... MCS... what the hell... i have no idea why i joined it... but i know that i did good with it lah... screw the shit-fuck politics and i think that we were a revolutionary committe of sorts... well... either that... or we were a massive headache... i'd rather the former but the latter would do my bad-boy image good... hahahaha...
anyways, anyways, anyways... the video is; first half, a scavenger hunt of sorts called 'membur(l)u'... hahahaha... i always saw it as a particular someone's ulterior motive to get to know the new female students... don't ask me any details about how it got going in the first place... i had no idea that the committe was organising it... i just knew it happened... and as always... i was given a measly role... then again... it probably wasn't my department's (cultural) event... that aside... i looked absolutely horrid there... a moustache?! what the hell was i thinking?! what the fuck?! urgh... i looked so old... on the flipside...the second half of the video; my MCS investiture... i looked so much better there... the same old narcisscist aren't i? thing was though... i was nowhere to be seen for a large portion of it... i guess i was the one actually filming the event but i can't really remember... so there i was... not present to hand over my post... strange... i really can't remember my motives for not handing over my post... anyways... so... towards the end i was visible and i look fine... and i am saying to myself... i was definitely less skinnier then... aaarrrggghhh!!! damn you lasalle... 7 bloody kilos you made me lose! how mush more?! how much more?!
always find it interesting when i get to see old stuff... i wonder if there is any video recording of me when i was in VS... now... that would be a sight... heh... goodness... i was such a livewire/madman back then... but i always tell myself that my nonsense was only meant to be only suggestive and that was it... but for that i know that i had quite a few were were irritated/sick of me... so sue me...
starting of the first event... mols was saying hello... camera panning to wards center of lecture theatre... and there you have me... just finishing with a 'suck it' and noticing the camera pointing at me... so what other more natural thing is there for me to do? middle finger... yes... middle finger... not once but twice... shaking it for the camera...hahaha... right... would anything be different now? not really i guess...heh...
blah blah... scene with me showing a snail to the camera... and some other funky stuff with me usually... well... doing nonsense...
ah heck... this was a stunted entry... as in i started writing it yesterday with something else in mind of which then i had to go out to... errr... lemme check... oh yah... go back to SR to collect my 3 works which used to be on display... now... on display @ home... except for the one with the 5 faces... (thank you to azhar for that...) so yah... i forgot what i wanted to write and made a feeble attempt at picking up from where i left... but nothing much came out... heck... next time...

. . .

6 months since the horrific earthquake and tsunami of December 2004...
not forgotten...
still...

imposed death...

i came across this entry the other day... and it struck me... deeply... in ways i have felt before... but i thought i had dismissed some time ago...

...

(written for the candlelight vigil in opposition to the death penalty in Singapore)

It was a little after I had my lunch when I heard the knock at the door. When I opened it, a polite man greeted me and passed me an envelope. Please collect the body within 24 hours, or it will be cremated. There was no room for shock. The whole week I had prepared myself for this. I did not let my hands tremble as I accepted the envelope. I told myself I was receiving something that was weightless.

The man left earlier than I expected. I did not like the idea that he felt it was only proper to leave me to grieve in private. He did not understand that there was no grief. My son and I had not spoken to each other for many years. Unlike his mother, I had refused to visit him in prison. I would have opened the envelope right in front of the man if he had stayed. I would have done it calmly, and when I am done, I will look at him straight in the eyes and say thank you.

But the man would be mistaken if he had thought my actions were calm. Because calmness meant that I was placing my feelings under control. But as I have said, I had no more feelings anymore. It was not calmness, but numbness. Very early on I had decided that everything that was happening was as a result of fate. It was fate that would hold my son up like a puppet from a rope, and it was also fate that would move my hands, also like a puppet, to tear the edge of an envelope.

Inside the envelope was a letter. There was also my son’s pink identity card. I put the letter to one side and stared hard at the I/C. So this was what a dead man looked like. There were shadows under his eyes. There was something far away in his expression, a face not prepared for the snap of the camera.

There was his name.

My name also. Separated from his by the word ‘Bin’.

His race.

Date of birth.

Country of birth.

On the back, his I/C number.

Our home address.

But what absorbed me the most was a little hole that had been punched in his I/C. It was there to say that the I/C could no longer be used. To show someone an I/C like this, you would have to place your finger and thumb over the hole, praying that nobody would notice that you are holding something that has been damaged. I suddenly saw my son holding the I/C in this way, trying to pass himself off as someone who was still alive. It was just the sort of lying thing that I could expect from him. I imagined him doing it with that crooked smile on his face, the smile he always used to convince us that he would change, that he was listening, that everything would turn out all right. And I became angry.

My anger turned towards the person who had punched the hole. I had seen the way a credit card is destroyed, with a big pair of scissors slicing it into two halves. Why couldn’t they do the same with this I/C? Why this clean, straightforward hole? I felt my anger burn, first on my skin, through the flesh, like a droplet of acid, right into my bones. My son was no more. I saw a series of circles, perfect circles…the outline of a playground, the stone table under our block, the noose tightening around his neck, the shape of his mouth when he was still a baby, shrinking to the size of the hole. It is an opening through which I feel my body leaking, drop by drop, until the day I join my son on the other side.

...

link to origin of entry

silence broken...

"For a year now I have walked around with a secret, a secret I chose to keep. But now I want you to be among the first to know that I have made plans to renew and revive The Smashing Pumpkins. I want my band back, and my songs, and my dreams. In this desire I feel I have come home again."



five years too long... five years too long...

(excerpt from billycorgan.com)

too near for comfort...

ok... this is just something i would like to share... not that it is of any great significance or anything... but something nonetheless...
accidents... alot of people lose their lives to it... i was involved in a road traffic accident once... november 2003... don't ask how or why it happened... i was too busy looking at the car on my left which was getting way to close to the motorcycle i was on (as a pillion...) for comfort... but i would like to make it known that i do not blame the rider for the accident... we both are still alive and we should be thankful for it... i blame the flu jab that made him drowsy... heh heh...
anyways... people always talk about near death experiences... well... my accident was... well... one of the few i had... other than almost drowning at sentosa when i was 10...
thing is... i don't know how true it is... but people who have went through near-death experiences always proclaim that in that fleeting moment, they experience a moment of peace and see a light... yeah right... want to know what was mine... well... here goes...
upon impact... know what i was saying in my head? well... it was, "oh shit! here we go..." really... i am not kidding... i heard the bang of the collision first... then before i knew it... i was swung to the left... still on the bike... and then i was on a crash course with the road... lovely... just so happened that i had a good before-after moment... i was wearing bermudas (stussy) and during the moment of falling, it rode up my thigh... just so happened the i was looking at my thigh before it met the road... went under... then i saw it again after it met the road... all scratched and bruised... how lovely... ok ok... bang, fall, scratch, head hit road... (thank god for my helmet... owe my life, or at least my head, to it... so yes people... always wear your helmet!) stopped moving already... lifted my head to turn around... while picking myself up... there goes a car narrowly missing my head... so close that i could see the brand on the rim... lexus... ok... freaky... adrenalin rushing... blah blah... limped to the curb... across 3 lanes without looking for incoming traffic... crashed down on grassed area between road and pavement... pain kicked in... started cursing in pain... cursed and cursed and cursed some more... then... cursed alot more... profanities galore... then a message came on my mobile... 17:31... from my friend asking me to get him a burger from geylang... ish! right... some guy came around asking me if i was ok... for all his good intent, no... i wasn't... roll around on grass... took my helmet off... and my bag... checked my mobile! goodness... roll around some more... i knew i was in one piece... but my friend... well... he wasn't moving... i could see he was still alive... just not moving... then as the kind strangers struggled to carry him to the grass area where i was... i could see that he broke his leg... it was... well... not in the normal shape of a leg... but he was alive... so that was all i needed to know... blah blah blah... ambulance came... i tried walking but for all my bravado... i need a stretcher converted into a wheeled-chair or sorts... heh heh heh...
point in telling this story of mine? well... what light? what moment of peace? i was cursing... goodness... maybe it wasn't meant for me since i was probably no where near dying... but seriously... i could have been gone there and then had i not lifted up my head... i could have been ROADKILL! thing is... after much reflection... i realised that... goodness... i could have died... and my last thoughts would have been... "oh shit! here we go..." how horrible would that have been? i don't want to die that way... as such... to a certain extent... explains why... i am... mellower these days... yah yah... i hear some of you who know me going... RIGHT! but it's true... gosh...
and know what... in the hospital... i was planning to escape from it... didn't happen though... but it would have been so damn cool... heh... that's it...
oh... by the way... i know the possiblities are slim but what the heck... i would just like to thank all those strangers (and the paramedics too i guess... they had to bear me asking for water...) who came to our assistance on that day... how do you know if it was you? well... infront of parway parade, motorcycle hit back of yellow cab (i know who you are too...), 2 guys... one was stubbornly refusing help... that was me... so sorry... but thank you... like i always say... my gratitude is... eternal...

the mind... fool it...

pla·ce·bo

1. 1. A substance containing no medication and prescribed or given to reinforce a patient's expectation to get well.
   2. An inactive substance or preparation used as a control in an experiment or test to determine the effectiveness of a medicinal drug. Something of no intrinsic remedial value that is used to appease or reassure another.
   
   
2. Something of no intrinsic remedial value that is used to appease or reassure another.

it's amazing... and i don't know quite how to prove it... i guess it just my plain addiction of sorts to it... long before i was addicted to another more sinister substance...
and this would be of all things... coke... not coke as in cocaine... i don't do such stuff... coke as in coca-cola...
my dad keeps harping me about how coke is bad for the health and how the insane sugar levels will get me diabetes... and he somehow has got live examples of such... but i tell you this... coke... it'ss my wonder drug...
it is my penicillin, it is my anti-biotic, it is my amphetamine, it is my pain-killer... it is to me anything that is to make a person better...
and it has proven itself time and time again... as recently as now... silly flu bug going around... and i got it... for 2 days i stayed off coke... today i got myself a bottle... VOILA! getting better already...
another good example... just reached holy land after a long, long flight plus a lousy transit at cairo... down with something... didn't know what it was... just wasn't feeling good... sister went shopping... didn't follow... asked her to get coke... she came back... had my coke... and VOILA! situation normal... s/normal...
there are a few other instances... i think... i'm sure... but examples aside... i find it simply amazing that something like coke can be used to sure ailments... but think about this... coke was originally sold in drug stores... for what i can't remember... they got rid of any medicinal properties before they decided to sell it as a soft drink... or at least that is what they say... hmmm...
oh well... if sugar can be used a placebo to treat arthritis... why not coke for common ailments i say? i guess it has got alot to do with the mind... i love coke... period... i even have a collection of coke of sorts in my room...
ok ok... disclaimer time... (so that i won't get sued) i am not saying here that when you are sick or really sick that you shuold forego seeing the doc and instead head on to the nearest shop that sells coke... (damn those places that sell JUST pepsi) it works for me... doesn't mean it definitely will work for you... so don't you go guzzling down bottles of it when say you are down with cancer or even a common cold for that matter... should you want to consider trying... be my guest... but i bear no responsiblity... but do tell me if you get better... heh heh heh...
remember people... tongue in cheek... tongue in cheek... as such... have a good life...

my precious... my love...

(a placebo indeed...)

incoherence

voyeuristic tendencies?
how true does that hold?
who arbitrates truth and honesty?
a certain perverse exhibitionism for expression, that in the lights of immense scrutiny shuns.
what is the purpose of propeity when everyone is a closet nihilist?
then we bring ourselves down again.
what is it with everything when the source is deeply intrinsic.
it has taken so much out of us to get here.
why does it always seem that somehow when things are spoken, we doubt all over again?
are we always like that or do we become as such?
or is it altogether a faulty connection?

passing thought...

after much reflection, i find it amazing that an individual can say so much without ever so, even in minuscule detail, address the issues that brought on the complexities in the first place...

then i guess... such things are just rantings...

then again... i am probably just... ranting...

roses in istanbul...

images are mine so please ask before using...

narcissism

on the move

hey hey hey...

blue skies, emerald seas... view from the topkapi palace...

didn't feel like coming back...

yeah... didn't really feel like coming back... from istanbul that is... there really isn't that much to not like about that place... well... the slumps weren't too enticing... but on the whole, i had an excellent trip... screw the airport security and all was great... damn those 9-11 people... weather in istanbul was brilliant... not a single cloud in the sky spare the last day i was there where it rained... sun was out but temperatures were between 16 to 18 degrees celcius in the day and at night it was 14 to 16 degrees celcius i think... it's like walking around in an air-conditioned room everywhere you go... my hotel room had an air-conditioner but it was only turned on once as it got too quiet inside my hotel room... went around to most of the stuff there was to see there... couldn't believe i could spend 3 hours in one place just taking pictures... then again... i spent almost 3 hours at every single attraction... so yeah... i took lots and lots of pictures... too many i think till i do not know which ones to put up on my blog... by the way, this is the list of image capturing devices that we brought to istanbul: 1 slr camera, 1 digital camera, 2 camera phones, 1 pda camera and 1 video camera... so yah... ALOT of pictures were taken... i finished 3 sd cards on my own... but there were just so many nice things to take pictures of... meals in istanbul are quite drab if compared to the plethora of choices available here in singapore... you get the usual bread and yoghurt at almost every eating place you go... turkish black tea is free (i think) almost every place too... then there are the salads of which the tomatoes there would bring shame to all the tomatoes here... the shishs and kebabs were great but i am not a very big kebab fan so i didn't really care... the pasta were good... fresh... and all the portions there were huge... but the price tag were quite big as well... so i guess... it was value for money although most of the time i didn't really finish everything on my plate... there is this particular vergetable served with the salads which i found very disturbing... it's purple in colour and smelt like it came out of the garbage... and it tasted quite putrid too... so if any of you go to istanbul and see purple-lettuce-looking thingies, you have been warned... the fish there were ok i guess... the people selling the fish there get away with murder i think by not serving any condiments such as ketchup along with the fish... i mean, if they plied their trade here like that, they will go bust in no time... but there... i don't think they really care about condiments... had to literally beg for ketchup of which they got out a bottle of ketchup which had probably been stored away in the freezer for i-don't-know-how-long... bad thing was that not many turkish people could speak english or at least understandable english... but we got through on a mix of basic english, sign language and pointing to the menu... heh... yeah... it was kind of interesting walking around the streets of istanbul as the terrain was kind of undulating as istanbul was built on 7 hills... not that i walked all 7 hills... interesting as one can get tired walking up and down the hills while trying to avoid the cars which go around like bumper-cars while getting used to the fact that they drive on the other side of the road there but yet one does not really break a sweat since it is quite cold... me being me trying to look as seasoned a traveller possible decided not to wear long sleeves or jackets in the day as it would have been so obvious that i wasn't used to weather but it did get quite nippy at times... silly, silly... trams there were kind of a rip off as it costs a one point zero lira to get to anywhere... can someone please tell me where is the sense in that? but they were generally efficient and reliable although i did see one break down in the middle of the road causing a trafic ruckus of sorts since it was a two-lane road and the big-ass tram took up an entire lane... and those of you concerned about security, well... the police there do a good job of ensuring visible police presence... they are almost everywhere and at night, they go around in their patrol cars with their blinkers on all the time... although their uniforms are nowhere as hot as the ones we are used to... heh heh heh.... ok ok ok... that is all i can write for now as i have got to go somewhere now... so yah... till next time...

DON'T GO TO PLACES WHERE YOU KNOW YOU WON'T LIKE WHAT YOU SEE...

for the record, this issue has ended... me and a certain someone has already ended it... those who come here with no issues in mind shall not find the following offensive but should you be one of those whose got issues with this blog, me and the people around me along with an insurmountable urge to come back to my blog to see the aftermath, i wouldn't advise you to continue reading... just go away...

should you choose to continue, it shall be at your own risk... don't go tagging or leaving unsavoury comments... i don't need them...
if you read and get angry... it shall not be my fault... you have been warned...

by the way, i wrote this before i ended the issue... so yah... if you are the abovementioned and still reading... i have served you another warning...

ok ok ok... this has gotten quite far enough as it has already... something quite trivial as me cutting my hair short has apparently sparked a tag-board war of sorts involving people whom I don't even know/care about...

being a strong advocate of freedom of speech and actions, i have always felt that anyone and i mean anyone can come to my blog and leave a tag behind... that is why there is a tag-board in the first place... i don't really care or mind if people leave good or bad comments... i have passed the stage where i let what others think of me let me down... and as for issues that determine the content of the tag, i don't care if it is trivial or otherwise...

but amidst all the suppossed "freedom" that i condone... i always believe that a person should however practice some form of self-control and censorship... no one can really get away with doing or saying just about anything the person pleases... like it or not... even if you don't believe in "not having to conform", the reality is that we are all part of a system or another... like it or not, we have to somehow live along the guidelines that is determined by the prevalent society...

apparently, i have been very quiet regarding this "fiasco" of sorts... and if proceedings above has been oblivious to you, the above is the only reason to as of why i have let it come this far... i thought i could have just remained a casual observer to ensuing "tag-wars" as i have affectionately come to call it but it has become evident to me that now... i can't... don't push it as i always say... but some have just pushed it...
so here goes...

firstly... i would like to adress the person who i see is the flint in this tag-wars... i am sorry i have to say this but to farisah... go away... just go away... (you can stop reading here if you want but i have a feeling you will continue just to see if i can be proven wrong...) don't bother about anything i do and the people i am around with... thank you for your time and thank you for the gifts... if you really wanted to know... i didn't finish the first one and i have no idea where the second one is... in all honesty, i thought that you were an interesting person... and that shall remain the only reason why i would ever want to get to know anyone including you... i found it immensely irritating that you kept questioning as of to why i wanted to get to know you after the numerous amounts of time that i have told you about the only reason why... i have to admit that i can be as supeficial as the next person but personally, i don't think can really give a damn about keeping up with appearances... i thought you would prove to quite the amazing person i thought you would be but you have been nothing but disappointing... (and don't you use that back on me because i used it first) i am so tempted to air out my grievances about you especially after what you have written about my sister... (how dare you make uncalled for comments about my family when i don't disturb yours...) but i don't think i shall and i will be the bigger person here... you can always find out about it if you really want... you know you want to know... so yes... go away... just go away...

as for the rest...

let's start with...
lee... rambut aku pantat itik? well you must have damn good eyes to see through such a blur picture... oh wait... let me guess... farisah directed you to my blog? if she didn't, well i still think that you have damn good eyes... and most probably drop dead gorgeous hair too... you must be hot with the ladies... or otherwise...

mento... you could have remained so impartial but i would have to step in when you started directing your comments to my sister... and let me guess... you probably know farisah and she directed you to my blog to back her up didn't she... and for your information... you are so WRONG... i didn't ask for anyone, and especially not girls to back me up... i don't need anyone to do any justification for me... i bear responsibility for myself... and who the hell are you anyway? and since when did i work with you? and you want to say that i am kental? you know me so well for you to justify that? i don't think so... and you should really practice what you preach... you say that people should keep their comments to themself and talk when required... oh look who is opening her wide-ass trap of a mouth now... and especially about my sister! no one disturbs my sister! no one! you think you know how to handle 11-year-olds? you think it is easy? you take her class for a whole semester and you tell me how it is... no one... and i dare say no one can do what my sister have done to her class and all her classes for that matter and i am very, very proud of her for all the good that she has done to all her classes! and yes... i think you should just shut the hell up...

fiqle... you sound familiar... but i don't think i know you... i am not saying that my blog is a private space and you could have been just a casual observer of sorts... but if by any chance that you came to my blog through farisah, then i suggest that you... obviously being a guy... stay out of this...

apokalips... you obviously need help with communicating your ideas... i mean, "but ppl like me(i dont think u do) will know that such things like keeping comments to urself does not exist in real life." what the hell is that supposed to mean? and you must be quite ignorant too thinking that a teacher's world is confined to the 4 walls of a classroom... you obviously have no respect for the profession... and you probably never did get a good education since you can't even construct a sentence properly... and what is with the fact that keeping comments to yourself does not exist in real life? what freaking bullshit are you talking about? you mean when you have something in you head, you just blurt it out? i don't think so man... i don't fucking think so...

in short... if you are an advocate of farisah, shut up and go away... there is no need for you to be here anymore...

as for the rest embroiled in this who are not an advocate of farisah... i appreciate comments of any kind and i thank you from the bottom of my heart for the kind comments... i do take the time to read and if necessary, think about them... just don't let something like this happen again... i don't really want to exert any form of restrictions on what people what to comment on... but please... think before you tag...

my friends... thank you for supporting me but please don't subject yourselves to such ugliness again... some things are not worth it...

my sister... i am sorry that you had to read all this nonsense... don't let people who have no appreciation for your profession ever let you think that you are not the damn good teacher that you are...

whatever it is... what goes around, comes around...

and for the anally-retented... my nice parting words will be... take on life with a pinch of salt... my not-so-nice parting words will be... go and die...